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Omnipotence: The “If God Was a Six-Year-Old” Story

You can play with my toys, even though you’re a girl, as long as you follow the rules that I have made for my toys. We can make countries of different toys on the floor and play with them. I flip the different colors of books over to make the countries. Only I get to pick first, because they’re my toys. But don’t worry, I won’t pick the best ones. I am going to pick this set of plastic toy people here to be my special country for me to be the king of them. They aren’t the biggest or the most of them, but they’re special now just ‘cause I picked them, ok?

And you can help set up the beanie baby country and the Lego country and the toy soldier country and the action figure country and the robot country. In fact, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. To start with, you can make my special people be slaves of yours while I am setting up their country and you can make them work for you and then I will come rescue them and show them how cool I am, ok?

Ok. They can be building this sofa pillow.

Um, ok, but pretend it’s not really a sofa pillow. Pretend it’s a Fortress of Doom. Ok, now I’m ready for my people. So pretend you’re beating up my guys and they are yelling for me to help them and so here I come. And I say, “Give my people back or I will fill your country with a million billion frogs and bugs!”

Ok, here you go.

No, pretend you don’t give them back that easily. Pretend I actually fill the country with a million billion frogs and bugs – it will be so cool. Pretend there are frogs and bugs in the beds and in the toilets and in the cereal bowls and everything. BZZZZZZZZ! RIBBIT! RIBBIT! And then I will make a storm and lightening and turn the lights off here – just a minute – ok I turned the lights off so pretend I made it really dark. Don’t be scared for real, I’ll turn it back on soon. KA-BOOM! Ok now after I do all that awesome stuff pretend you let them go, but then change your mind and chase them. I’ll turn the light back on.

Ok, pretend this rug is water. My guys can’t cross it because it’s water. So you chase them up to it.

So now we fight?

No, my guys can’t fight because I haven’t given them guns yet. I’m going to give them guns but I haven’t done it yet. So instead, I am going to flip the rug up into a huge-enormous wall of water! SHHHHH-PSYUH! And they all rush through, and your army chases them, and I drop the rug back! SWOOOSH! That means you drowned, so you know.

Ok, I’m going to pretend these are different guys now so I can still play with them.

Ok. So now my guys are going to my country for them. And I have let there be teddy bears there because the teddy bears will be giants for them. But my guys can fight giant bears and anything because I help them. See, the bears are way more bigger than my guys, but I am way more bigger than the bears. So if my guys look at the bears, they will be scared, but if they look at me, they will just be laughing. And if the bears look at my guys, they will just be laughing, but if the bears look up and see me they will say “Ahhhh! It’s a giant kid! Run for your lives!”

But pretend that at first my guys aren’t looking at me, they are looking at the bears. So they are scared and they won’t move forward anymore. They say, “No way! Those bears are more bigger than us!”

So then I say, “Look at me! I’m more bigger than the bears!”

And they say “No, we are still scared because the bears are big!”

And I will wave my arms and say “Hey guys! Hey guys! Look up here! Look at me! I AM SO MUCH WAY MORE BIGGER THAN THE BEARS!”

But it is still not working. So I say “Fine, guys, if you won’t look at me, you are grounded. Everybody has to just stare at me and walk around in circles until they learn to look at me, ok? And no ice cream either!”

How long are they grounded for?

For a really, really long time. I’m thinking…. For FORTY!

Forty minutes?

No, for forty YEARS.

What?! We can’t play with these toys for forty years! We’ll get hungry, and have to use the bathroom, and then my parents will want to go home.

Well, not for forty people years. For forty toy years. It won’t be forty years for us but it will be really forty years for them, ok?


So now we have to make them walk around in circles. Every time they make a circle around the whole playroom that will be one year, and we’ll do it forty times. So you can help me move them.

There are two many of them to move them all and then make them stand up again and move them again…. It will take forever.

Here, we can use my wagon. I have a red wagon. We’ll put them all in here and just pretend they’re walking, ok? Then you pull them and I’ll walk in front so they have to look at me.


And I am going to have this flashlight and hold it down low so they can see it, because I think I am kinda too much more bigger than them for them to see all of me. And then when it’s night time for them we can turn the lights out again and I will turn the flashlight ON, so they can see me even in the dark because they are never allowed to stop looking at me the whole time that they are grounded.

Ok, I turned the lights out and the flashlight on. So now I will make the flashlight move and you pull the wagon and follow it. And whenever I make it stop you can stop, and whenever I make it start then you can start again. And if I make them wait a long time they just have to wait because it doesn’t matter anyway because we’re not going anywhere right now except circles.


Ok, I cleared you a path for you so you don’t run over the other toys in the dark. Follow the flashlight. I’m walking backwards, ok, ok, good, see guys? See how much more realer I am?

If they’re grounded for forty years, can they have something to eat if it’s not ice cream?

Ok. Yeah, that’s a good idea, that will be another way I will show them I am bigger than my teddy bears. Because see, they can’t stop and go to the grocery store because they have to keep looking at me the whole time. So I will just make food fall out of the sky for them. Just a minute, I am going to go ask my mom for some crackers.

Ok, I’m back. She gave me crackers for the toys and chicken nuggets for us, but we have to be careful to keep them in the wagon so we don’t make a mess. Here are your chicken nuggets. And you can help me break up the crackers and drop them on the toys. Make it in little pieces so it’s more easier for them, ok? See, I really am not being mean to them. They’re still my special guys. I just want them to learn to look up at me and not be afraid of bears or anything else that is more smaller than me. So I will feed them crackers every morning and keep them safe for forty years so they will learn that I take good care of them and not to be scared to do what I tell them to.

We’ll drop crackers on them every morning except for not Sunday so they can go to church. Give them double crackers on Saturday so they can go to church. But don’t let them have extra the rest of the time so that they have to keep looking up because they have to keep looking at me. That’s the point of why we’re doing all this.

This is fun. I like breaking crackers.

It’ll be even more fun when they wake up. It’ll be like we are Santa Claus and it is Christmas. Now they are saying, “Ahhhh! What is this stuff? Crackers have fallen from the sky while we are sleeping!” They are so excited!

Ok, we did one for the first year. Now we turn the lights on, drop the crackers, pull the wagon halfway around the room, lights off, flashlight on, pull the wagon back to where we started, that makes two years.

Now we do it again: lights on, drop crackers, pull wagon halfway around the room, lights off, flashlight on, pull the wagon back to where we started, that makes three years.

And again: lights on, drop crackers, pull wagon halfway around the room, lights off, flashlight on, pull the wagon back to where we started, that makes four years.

I think they are tired of crackers now. I think they are saying, “Can’t that magic flashlight make anything but crackers?”

WHAT? I can make ANYTHING. I’m not just a flashlight; I’m the kid that plays with them! All right, they are in big trouble. I will even share my chicken nuggets with them but I am going to give them so much chicken they will be sick!

Ok, happy now? Keep going. Lights on, drop crackers, pull wagon halfway around the room, lights off, flashlight on, pull the wagon back to where we started, that makes four years.

Aren’t you tired of this yet?

No, I will never get tired of making them look at me. See, it’s really, really important. They will never defeat the bears if they don’t believe in me. So if I have to hold a flashlight and drop crackers and walk backwards for forty years, I will do it.




































Ok! Now they can go fight the bears!

Yes! But first they have to defeat the Lego City before they can get anywhere. And this time they’re not scared because they know I’m bigger and scarier and they don’t want to be grounded again, and they know if I’m more bigger than bears than I’m really really more bigger than legos! And I still haven’t given them guns yet until after that, so I am just going to put them in a circle around the Lego City and then come down out of the sky and knock it down for them.


Only here are the rules about me destroying stuff. When I destroyed the Lego City, I am throwing all the Legos and all the Lego people on my Pile of Ultimate Destruction. And nobody can touch that. If anybody touches it, I won’t play with them anymore. Ok? So don’t touch it.

Ok, pretend one of my guys touches it. He takes some Legos. Now I won’t play with them anymore.

You mean you’re done?

No, I will let my guys throw that guy with the Legos on the Pile of Ultimate Destruction too and I’ll still play with them now.

Ok, now I give them guns and they go fight the giant bears and take over the country.


My toy people come in twelve different colors of them, so I’m going to use twelve different colors of books to make their country, one for each of them. Actually, no wait, I’m going to use eleven colors of books and keep the blue guys to be my special guys to play with.

I thought they were all your special guys already.

They are. They are all my special guys that I picked them to play with, but the blue ones are even more specialer because I picked them to play with again, see? They’re like special special. I’ll put some blue guys on each of the other colors of books.

Ok, now they’re all set up so I can be king of them. Only I wonder do you think they want me to be king of them?

Well, you just saved them from the rug and the giant bears and the Lego people.

Yeah, but they might be forgetting about that already, and see I’m still so big they can’t see me. Pretend they don’t want me to be king of them because I’m so big they can’t see me and they want a toy king they can see. So they say “the beanie babies and the Legos and the robots all have a toy king! We want a toy king too!” So now I’m mad at them and I’m going to knock this much stuff over. ZAP! But now I’ll be nice and give them a toy king. I pick… this guy to be the toy king of them.

No, wait, I have a more better idea. I have a so much more better idea! Pretend I can make myself small and turn myself into a toy too so they can see me and then I can be king of them. So pretend this toy king guy is actually me, ok?

Ok. But then when I become small and make myself a toy for them, pretend they still don’t want me to be king of them because they don’t want me to boss them, and pretend they don’t believe that they’re actually toys and I’m actually the giant kid that plays with them even though I look like a toy too now. So pretend now that I’m small and they can get me, they try to beat me up.

So then are you going to knock them over again?

I could, but I have a better idea. Pretend when I become small, I actually am still big too because I am also still me – because I really am, see? – and so I can still do anything, and so I am going to let them actually kill my guy that is me. And then I will make him come alive again – not like a zombie, but really – only pretend that when he is dead and becomes alive again that gives him All Superpowers. So then after I’m dead and alive again everyone will know that I really was the giant kid who played with them and I will have all superpowers and take over the whole world into my kingdom.

Ok… I have an idea. My one that I am playing with is a girl. Can we pretend that after you are dead and come alive again and have all superpowers and become king of the whole world, your one and my one get married?

I guess so. Oh, wait. Oh! Wait! Yes! That gives me a so much more cooler idea! Pretend that your girl one already lives in my country. But pretend that you had done something bad, like you didn’t want me to be king of you or you had touched the Pile of Ultimate Destruction. And so pretend that I was going to have to kill you. But pretend I was in love with you and didn’t want to kill you. So pretend when my guys kill me, I was actually letting them kill me instead of killing you so I could save you. And then you know how much I was in love with you. And then when I come alive again we can get married.


Ok, so put your girl here. Now they’re going to kill me.

Wait, shouldn’t I be hiding under the sofa or something until you come back alive again? I’m afraid that the bad guys that kill you will get me while you’re dead.

You don’t have to be scared of them. When I come back alive again I will have all superpowers, remember? So I can make other people come alive again too. So I promise that if anybody ever kills you, I will make you come alive again.

Ok… I’m still going to hide I think.

Ok, they kill me. BANG! CRASH! OOF! OUCH! I’m turning the lights off for this part too so everybody knows something huge is happening. KA-CHOOM! And now I’m going to be dead for a little while so that everyone knows I was really dead. I’m going to turn the lights back on and off to make days and nights go by, ready? One… two… three… Ok and now I put them back on for it to be morning time. And then I make a huge earthquake. BR-BR-BR-BRA-AM! And then I come alive again. NYEEEEEEE-BM!

Ok, I am hiding in the doll house. So you’ll have to come and tell me it’s you so I will let you in.

Actually, I have all superpowers now, remember? So the way that I will show you that it’s me is by walking through the walls and just appearing. SHABANG! Hi.


Ok, now here’s my plan. You go to my guys and to all the other toys too and tell them that they are toys and I am the kid that owns them but I became a toy too and my guys killed me. Tell them that when they killed me I died for all the people who hadn’t wanted me to be king of them and now I am alive again with all super-powers and so everybody gets free passes. If they believe it and want me to be king of them they should join my army, and if not they will be the other army. And then we line up the armies and have a war and with my superpowers we destroy all the bad guys and throw them on the Pile of Ultimate Destruction. And then we rebuild the whole world and make the perfect kingdom.

Whoa, whoa, wait. I’m not going to your guys. They’re scary. I thought we got to get married now!

We will. But don’t you want other people to get rescued besides you? Besides, it’s your turn to have an adventure now. It’ll be fun. I’ll go with you and help you. Remember, you’re indestructible now because if anybody kills you I’ll make you come back.

But what if it hurts when they kill me?

So? It hurt when they killed me, but I’m ok now. Besides, it’ll be worth it.

I just want to get married and live happily ever after.

We will. I promise. After we take over the world and build our kingdom, I can use my superpowers to make anything you want – like a huge swimming pool, or our own rocket ship, or pizza and donut restaurants that are free, or tame dinosaurs that we can ride on them, or anything you want.

Well, ok… but I want to be able to use superpowers too.

Ok, here’s what I’ll do. Whenever you need superpowers, you just call my name and I’ll make it happen.

What’s your name?

Hmmm, let me think. I am going to have a Magic Name that releases my superpowers to you. My Magic Name will be King Super-Saver-Guy, because I save people, see? So whenever you need something to happen to fulfill your mission, just say my Magic Name and then say what you need to happen and I’ll zap it for you.

Ok, let’s try it. Go to my country. Look, one of my guys’ legs can come off. I’ll take them off and pretend he’s sick. Then you say my Magic Name and I’ll make him get better, and then you tell them it was me.

Ok. “Magic Name of King Super-Saver-Guy, sick man get better!”

SH-Z-Z-Z-ZAP! Click. Now my guys are all saying, “Wow, what just happened? How did she do that?” So now you explain it them.

Ok. “Everybody, that was my fiancé King-Super-Saver-Guy who has all superpowers because he was dead and now he’s alive again – you might have noticed because you helped kill him. He was actually a giant kid that played with us because we are all his toys and everybody is now in huge trouble for killing him and not wanting him to be king of us, but when he died he actually died in place of us for that. So we can all have free passes to be in his New Kingdom when he takes over the world and he can bring you back from the dead too.”

Good job! Ok, make everybody that wants to be in my kingdom go over here and everybody that doesn’t go over there. To make this part go faster, I will send all the new guys that just joined us into other countries too so they can be helping you.

Even the countries that aren’t your special ones?

Yeah, for my new kingdom I’m changing the rules about that. Now anybody that lets me be the saver of them can be as special as my special special blue guys and I will always play with them.

Ok, now the meanest ones of my guys that killed me put you in prison. But don’t be scared. And they will kill these ones here of my new guys but I will make them come alive again in time for the battle. Now they think they’re going to kill you but I come in the middle of the night and zap you out of prison. ZI-I-IP! “Hey, how did you get out of prison?” Don’t be scared, tell them.

“King Super-Saver-Guy zapped me out with his superpowers. You guys should really believe me about him now.”

Ok, this one and these ones believe now too. And so I will forgive them for killing me and trying to kill you.

That was fun! Pretend I’m going to go to the beanie baby country now.

Ok, here’s the thing you need to know about the beanie baby country. There are a lot of snakes there. Snakes are the really really bad guys. They’re gummy worms actually – I have a whole bag of them, see? But I’m setting them up in the beanie baby country to pretend they’re snakes. But the good thing about snakes is that you can use my Magic Name to kill them. Just say, “Magic Name of King Super-Saver-Guy, snake die!”

Oooh, if they’re really gummy worms, can we eat them after you kill them?

Yeah, as long as we don’t eat all of them yet and save some for the final battle. I want them to fight in the final battle. Ok, here comes the first one.

“Magic Name of King Super-Saver-Guy, snake die!”

KA-ZAP! It’s dead. Here comes another one. The superpower of snakes is lying. They tell lies to you. They talk like this:

“Pssssssss. King Super-Saver-Guy doesn’t really love you, because you’re a chicken. You were afraid and hid while he was dead, and you didn’t want to tell other people they could be saved by him too, and you were afraid of dying and coming back like him. Pssssss. Someday he’ll find another girlfriend who’s more prettier than you and who’s not so chicken, and then he’ll stop giving you superpowers and we will eat you. Yum yum. Psssssssss.”

Whoa, wait, is that true? Are you really mad at me?

Of course not stupid, I died for you, remember? It’s a lying snake. Say my name so I can kill it for you. Go on, hurry up!

“Magic Name of King Super-Saver-Guy, snake die!”

I’m going to karate chop it! KA-ZOWIE-CHOP-CHOP-CHOP! Ok it’s dead. Next time say my name more faster so it will die before it can bite you, ok?

Ok here it comes. “Psss—”


BOOM! Oh yeah! That one never knew what hit it. Give me high five! Ok, we can take a break and eat these ones now. There are three so that’s one for you and one for me and the third one I will rip it in half for both of us.

The one that was most meanest to you and said you are my chicken girlfriend is the one that I’m ripping in half, so you know. Do you want the red half or the green half?

You know what’s really cool? The more you make your girl do brave things like me, the more you become more like me, you know? By the time we’re done, you’ll be just like me.

This is really fun. I like taking over the universe with you.


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